Joking Around
by Sarcasm Turtle
Summary: Fluffiness ensues in Shepard's quarters. Not very long, sorry. JokerxFemShep. R&R please :
1. About Time

AN: I own 0 of mass effect but it owns 100 of me! Well, I basically adore Joker, so I decided to give writing about him and Shepard a try. Enjoy.

Joking Around

Chapter One: About Time

Joker blinked when he heard footsteps behind him. _Too light for a man's, they're short in length… Probably Shepard,_ he decided.

"Hey, Joker," the voice of Lily Shepard said casually.

He was right as always, but he turned his head to glance at her anyway—for politeness' sake, of course. At least—that's what he told himself. As usual, the sight of her made him smile like a nut. The tight Alliance uniform deviously displayed her well-muscled body that still managed to retain its womanly curves. Reddish brown hair that perfectly curled just the right amount beautifully revealed her shining green eyes.

"Need anything, Commander?" he asked as she slipped into the empty copilot seat.

"Can't sleep," she replied with a look of annoyance. He knew it wasn't directed at him, but that didn't make him dislike it anymore. Smiles suited her much better.

"The cockpit's not the most comfortable place," he warned. Personally, his ass never stopped cramping. And it's not as if he could walk around to relieve it.

"It's got entertainment though," she grinned.

"What, the view?" he asked, pointing to the endless tracts of space in front of them. It was pretty nice he guessed, but he didn't think that was what Shepard had in mind. And he _knew_ it wasn't _anything_ like what he had in mind about this visit.

"The view's nice," she agreed, leaning back in her chair, "but I think it'd be more fun to chat with the hilarious Joker."

"Ah, crap. Is this the part where I tell jokes?" he grumbled. However, he was slightly pleased that she had specifically sought him out instead of Alenko.

"Only if you want to," she laughed. "I'm desperate after Garrus tried to tell me a turian joke."

"Ouch. Those _do_ tend to stink. I think he has filing stuck up his ass after working a C-Sec for so long." He watched her out of the corner of his eye to see her cover her mouth to contain her laugh. "Don't worry, the comm system's off and nobody can hear us up here."

And with that, she removed her hand and began to laugh. God, he loved her laugh. It was so clear and loud. He wished that he was always the sole cause for that beautiful sound. "You're horrible!" she gasped out.

"I swear; he recites regulations in his sleep!" he said, joining in her laughter.

"You're lying!" she grinned.

"No, come here; I'll show you!" he protested. He motioned her to come over while his fingers jabbed a few buttons. Soon a shot of the turian's sleeperpod showed and he had his hand over the audio feed. Shepard reluctantly joined him, muttering something about feeling guilty for spying on her crew.

"There's only one set of headphones. I'll turn it up to max so we can both hear," he explained as he turned a few knobs for volume and balance. They both leaned in close to the pair of headphones he held up in his left hand. "Ready?" he asked, looking at her with a mischievous look. As Joker realized how close she was, he felt heat crawl over every part of him.

She nodded enthusiastically and he pressed the button.

"B-365.2…N-47…" came the sleepy voice of the turian.

They both doubled over with laughter, making the room ring with the sound. "Oh, God, that's great!" Shepard gasped.

"You haven't seen nothing yet," Joker said proudly, pressing a few more buttons to display Wrex's.

"What's he do?" she asked curiously, bending down to put her ear to the headphones again.

"Listen," he replied secretively. He pressed the audio button and watched as Shepard realized with evident shock that the high-pitched singing was coming out of the sleeping krogan's mouth.

"That's _Wrex_?" she asked with disbelief before she burst out into more laughter. "I don't believe this! You have to be manipulating this somehow…"

"I swear on the Normandy," he grinned.

"Hmph," she grunted as she stood up straight. "I think I'll take a shower tonight instead of in the morning." She made to leave the room.

"About time," Joker said, eying the clock.

She whirled around and looked at him. "I didn't know I was _that_ smelly."

Joker turned beet red. How was he supposed to explain that the security cameras also included her room and he'd eventually memorized what time she took showers? "Uh, no ma'm, it's just that—"

He grimaced in defeat as he saw her study the security cameras' different angles. The bathroom was in perfect sight. "You're such a pervert!" she grumbled.

"It's not _my_ fault you haven't figured out how to shut the bathroom door," he said meekly.

Shepard glared at him and turned to leave once again.

"Night, Shepard. Sleep well."

"I doubt I will if I know you're watching," she shot back. "And I'm closing the door from now on!" she yelled over her shoulder.

"Damn," he muttered as he flipped off the cameras. _Looks like it'll be even more boring up here_.

"Joker?" Shepard added, returning a few steps back to him. And before he knew it, she gave him the tiniest kiss on the cheek. "You could've just asked," she laughed before hitting him lightly on the back of the head and turning on her heel for the third time.

The stunned pilot gave a low whistle._ About time._


	2. Spades

**A/N: Once again, I own nada of Mass Effect. Depressing, isn't it? I like this chapter a lot and I think this is where the T rating starts to kick in. Heheh… Oh, and gracias for the reviews! I love knowing that someone is actually reading this! Maybe all the writing I do in class is actually worth something! lol. Well, I won't keep you any longer. Enjoy.**

Joking Around

Chapter Two: Spades

_Come on, just press the damn button!_ His finger didn't respond; it was still hovering over the panel that would activate the comm system. _Look, it's no different than calling up Alenko or Wrex for shore party—except I usually don't catch myself looking at their asses._

Finally he jabbed the button and cleared his throat. "Uh, Commander?"

"Yeah, Joker?" Shepard's clear voice said. "Is something wrong? You sound worried."

He gulped, praying to God she couldn't hear him do so. How could she read him so easily? It was impossible; he was Jeff Moroe, the sarcastic asshole of a pilot with a shadowy past. Yet she read him as easily as she did anyone else—maybe even easier.

At least she wasn't upset about the camera incident like he had worried. But she was acting completely normal towards him, even occasionally flirting.

"Nah, I'm fine, Commander," he said quickly after realizing that the pause was getting awkward. "Just a little bored. You wanna come up here and play some cards?"

"Yeah, sounds fun," she replied almost immediately. "I'll be up in a bit."

Joker let out a whoosh of air and rested his head on his fist. He should've stopped himself. She was his commander but despite his best efforts to stay focused on all the Normandy's functions, he found himself thinking about her more than any sane man should.

And he wouldn't just think about her body—well, not _all_ the time. He studied the confident words that she'd brazenly announce to some pompous politician, or the sympathetic tone she used for the poor civilians. Or her face in its usual position of a smile or in one of her rare frowns. He also watched her battle of course, amazed at the power that ran though such a short woman's body. And while he examined her, he always wondered if he could ever be a part of such an exquisite woman.

"Am I interrupting something, Joker?"

He sat up with a start at the sound of her voice. "Uh, no, no ma'm. Just thinking, that's all." He carefully swiveled his chair around to face her.

"Ah," she murmured as she scooted over a table for them to share and a chair for herself. "I know what you mean. I always got in trouble in school for daydreaming."

He smiled. He'd expected someone as fun and ambitious as her to have dreams. "About what?"

Shepard shrugged as she sat down. "Different things. Far away planets, strange systems, wild adventures, falling in lo—" she stopped abruptly and turned the most adorable shade of red.

"What was that last one, Miss Lily?" he chuckled as he shuffled the deck in his hand. The fact that his commanding officer was blushing like a virgin nearly caused him to burst out laughing.

He wondered how much she'd dealt with men. Surely someone as beautiful as her had to have had plenty of experience, right? Looking down at the cards in his hand, he shook his head and frowned at the thought. Not Lily… not _his_ Lily…

"Watch the title, Joker," she warned gently. "We're not on shore leave yet."

"Yet?" Joker winked. "Is that an invitation, _Commander_?" He placed extra emphasis on her rank to tease her.

"Just deal the cards," she laughed. "So what are we playing anyway? I'm guessing it's not fifty-two card pick up…?"

Joker glared at her with his eyes, but he couldn't help a grin from crossing his face. "Not exactly; I don't think Dr. Chakwas is up for all the injuries I'd get."

"Alright then, what did you have in mind?"

_Usually I think about you_, he found himself thinking. "Spades."

A blank look crossed her face. "I don't think I've ever played that."

"You're kidding. The great Lily Shepard—the first human Spectre and Commander of the SSV Normandy—_doesn't_ know how to do something? Geez, just kill me now; the world is gonna end!" He chuckled at the look of indignation that took over her face. Oh, how he loved to tease—especially her. "Calm down, Commander, I'll teach you."

He patiently explained the bare basic concepts of bidding and catching sets. She was an eager student and was soon ready to play. So he dealt the cards between the two of them; they had already decided not to use partners.

Just as he was wondering whether or not biotics could induce mass effect fields to influence a deck of cards, he heard Shepard "hmm" to herself. "Good hand?" As bad as his hand was, it'd have to be.

"I don't know," she replied honestly.

"Lemme see it then." He held out his hand expectantly.

"I think that's called cheating."

"Hey, this is a practice round. C'mon, I won't tell anyone, I promise," he grinned, putting his hand over his heart.

She reluctantly, and somewhat nervously, slid her chair beside his and pulled out two jokers from her hand. "Alright, what do you think?"

"Both? God, Shepard, you just get all the luck!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah right," she rolled her eyes.

"Oh please," he scoffed. "You survived Akuze, you're the first human Spectre, and you're playing cards with a handsome pilot! What more could you want?" He nudged her playfully.

"I wouldn't call what happened on Akuze lucky," she murmured almost to herself as a surprising look of sadness and regret crossed her features.

Joker grimaced. _Smooth. You brought up the one thing that ticks her off._ "Um, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—" he reached out to comfort her but stopped himself midway, ending up with a random hand in the air.

The smile returned and she moved his hand back for him. "Hey, you didn't mean to. Nobody does. Most people avoid it but sometimes I wish they'd just come out and say what they're thinking. Like you."

He felt his face grow hot. "It's… just how I am, Commander."

"I think you remind me of home."

"You mean Earth?" he was surprised he had something to do with Shepard's past.

"Yeah," she shrugged. "I guess back home we were too busy trying not to die to worry about what people thought about us. So I pretty much have zero tact in my arsenal."

_Yet I still find myself tongue-tied_, Joker thought. Was that oh-so-alluring scent of flowers coming from her or his imagination? The latter was soon picturing himself massaging her favorite lotion of wild lilies across her bare back…

Suddenly, he shook his head. _Damn, I've got to stay focused._ "So both jokers, huh?"

"Yeah, if only I knew what to do with them," she grumbled, tugging at a curly lock of hair. Damn, that was so cute.

"I wouldn't complain, ma'm," he smirked. "Most people would kill for a hand like that. Both jokers and—" he paused to check his hand, "—I bet you have the queen of spades too, don't you?"

Shepard looked down at her hand before shrugging innocently as an answer. "Y'know," she said, setting down her hand, "I think I'd be pretty happy with just _one_ joker in particular." She was looking straight at him with a crooked smile and a curious gleam in her eye.

"Yeah?" he grinned at her. "Tell me about this joker." They were both pushing it and he knew it. Part of him was wondering how long it'd take her to come to her senses while another part was praying it'd never happen.

"He always knows just what to say to make me laugh—especially when I need it really badly. He can act like a jerk, but I think he's sweet."

"You forgot sexy," he added impishly.

She laughed and looked up at him shyly—wait, _shyly_? Did he just describe his superior officer as _shy_? This was getting weird.

It got even stranger when she reached across the short distance to remove his cap. He automatically put his hands on top of his head. "Hey, I've got hat-hair!" he complained.

"But I've never seen you without it." One hand grabbed his protesting hands and set them on the table before her free hand ran over his short brown hair.

He leaned back and closed his eyes with pleasure as her fingers continued to rake through his hair. Slowly, she made her way to his face where her other hand joined in cradling his face and stroking the stubble that peppered it.

As she gently turned his head to face her, he opened his eyes. She'd never looked more beautiful to him. Her shining emerald eyes were wide and her lips were slightly parted, as if she was amazed at everything he saw in him.

The scent of flowers was stronger now, almost intoxicatingly so. He reached for her hair and leaned forward. Her eyes had closed now, leaving Joker to finish the job. With one final glance to ensure that everyone else was safely tucked in the sleeperpods, he happily obliged.

_If heaven is anything like this, then I'll break my legs running to a church!_ he thought as he finally felt her wonderfully full and soft lips against his. They even had a hint of cherry chapstick on them. He groaned as he eagerly pushed his tongue into her mouth. She curiously played with it, her hands sliding down from his face to wrap around his neck. Meanwhile he placed his hands on her hips and pulled her closer, in turn yanking her out of her chair.

He was just about to slide his hands a little further down when she reluctantly withdrew from him, her breathing as heavy as if she'd been shooting geth all morning.

"'s wrong?" he murmured, his eyes still half-closed.

"The regs," she breathed, pulling away more.

But he held on to her and made her return to him. "Alenko doesn't seem to care. Why should I?" he growled. _Even her neck tastes delicious,_ he thought lustily as he covered it with kisses. A tiny gasp rewarded his efforts.

"The lieutenant? What's he have to do with this?" she replied, forcing her voice to sound normal despite his close proximity.

"Thankfully, nothing," he chuckled as he continued, brushing her ear just slightly. She was doing a very poor job at being unresponsive to his kisses. Her breathing was quick and she was practically shaking with desire.

"What are you talking about?" she sounded so naïve and confused. It was all too cute.

"Oh come on, have you _looked_ in a mirror? You're beautiful." He slid his hands along her curved form, determined to make her feel as beautiful as she really was.

"And my scar?" she mumbled, referring to the slash that ran across her nose.

Joker caressed it with a kiss. "It gives you character. And it lets us know you're human." He stopped his kissing to look at her. Shepard was completely still for a moment, clinging on to the front of his shirt and staring nowhere in particular.

"C'mon Shepard. You afraid to break my legs?" he teased.

She closed her eyes and sighed. "I'm sorry Joker," she whispered as she pushed him away. "We can't." And she left without another word, leaving him with fifty-two cards scattered everywhere.

"Aw, crap," he muttered when he saw all the cards on the floor. He scowled when he saw the big joker lying next to the queen of hearts. "Now that's just wrong."


	3. Needed

**A/N: I almost decided not to post this. I'm going to keep writing but since I saw some very similar work, I'm not sure if posting my stories is a good idea. I know this is a fanfic site, so all the ideas are going to be similar, plus there's the occasional coincidence, but I find it highly unlikely that someone could randomly conjure up Shepard and Joker playing cards, 52 card pick up, and the whole queen of heart/Joker thing if they didn't take some of my ideas. I know that this author read my story and maybe I should be flattered, but honestly, it made me upset. Even if they were original, they should've realized that my story already had those situations and respected that. Maybe I'm just overreacting. It's just that I'm just really serious about my writing and it's sad to know that people will take your hard work. Oh well. Here's chapter three.**

**Mass Effect isn't owned by me (but that doesn't mean you can steal ideas!)**

Joking Around

Chapter Three: Needed

Joker waited a good twenty minutes before activating Shepard's camera again. He wasn't about to take any chances with his commander's safety.

_Psh, like I could do anything_, he grumbled as he put the now hated deck of cards back in the box. _I'm just a useless cripple. Who really needs me anyway?_

He shook his head to relieve himself of the pathetic self-pity he found himself wallowing in. _If I'm so useless, why am I flying the best damned ship in the Alliance fleet?_ Having won his private argument, the disgruntled pilot slipped on the headphones. His hand was halfway to the music feed button when his eye caught on Shepard's room.

The Commander was sitting on her bed cross-legged, her back straight up and down, and a blank expression on her face. She looked terribly upset.

"Probably my fault—just like everything else around here," he muttered to himself before reluctantly activating her comm unit. "You alright, Shepard?"

"Still spying, Joker?" she laughed without humor. "Thought we learned that lesson the hard way last week."

"Call me a slow learner," he said casually. "You still didn't answer my question."

"I know," she said flatly. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep. Could you… could you come here? I mean, if it's not too much trouble," she said, adding that last sentence quickly.

"Good thing I don't have some weird bone disease then, huh, Commander?" he teased.

"If you don't want to—"

"I don't want the savior of the galaxy to be sleep-deprived. I'll be there in a bit," he said firmly. "Besides, you look like you could really use a friend."

_Let's hope she needs a little more than that,_ he thought to himself as he fished around for his crutches. When his hand touched upon the cool metal, he began to prepare himself for the strenuous journey to her quarters.

Before he entered he announced his presence with a light tap on the doorway with his crutches. She turned her head, slowly blinked, and turned away again.

"Not even a smile?" he asked, feigning offense. "Guess I'm not that good of a kisser, huh?"

The corners of her mouth twitched slightly before she firmly pursed her lips.

"If you don't mind me saying, Commander, I think smiles look much better on you. But you look great all the time anyway."

Shepard ran a hand through her short hair, letting her fingers entwine themselves in her curly locks. Joker winced as he recalled himself doing the same thing earlier. Her hair had been so soft and silky… He stopped daydreaming so he could concentrate on what Shepard was saying.

"It's that kind of thinking that got us into this mess."

Joker frowned as he hobbled over to sit beside her on the edge of the bed. "A mess, huh?" he muttered. "Things are always more fun if they're dirty." He winked at her as he set his crutches down.

She glared at him, though a blush that flamed across her cheeks took away the full effect of her expression. He took the hint; she was being serious. "Alright, Shepard, you win. I'll try and contain myself, I promise. Not what's wrong?"

"I don't think we should've, well—" she stopped and looked at him helplessly before looking away.

Joker's throat tightened and his face hardened. She regretted it. He couldn't get his mind to wrap around the fact that someone as passionate as Shepard didn't enjoy that embrace. "Don't lie to me, Shepard."

Her head snapped up at the sound of her name spoken so tensely. Her eyes were glistening and Joker wondered if it was caused by tears. He desperately tried to lighten the mood. "C'mon, it couldn't have been _all_ that bad; _I_ enjoyed it. And let's not forget, Shepard—you kissed me back."

"That's not going to change the regs."

"You're a Spectre!" he said, searching for a reason to justify their relationship. "You work above the law!"

"For the greater good of the galaxy, Joker, not a screw buddy," she cynically finished for him.

"Damn. Guess I forgot about that part."

"I can never forget that part."

"I can be pretty distracting, you know," he joked, lightly bumping into her shoulder.

"Believe me, I know."

He lifted his brows. "Oh really? So you're _not_ always thinking about the fate of the galaxy?" He chuckled and decided to risk putting his hand over hers. "What exactly _were_ you thinking about?" he murmured in her ear.

Unwillingly, she shivered and turned her head away. "None of your business."

"Somehow I think it is," he said, barely suppressing a laugh so he wouldn't startle her. "Lily…" His voice caught on her first name with a bit of hesitation.

Lily turned her head at the sound of her first name spoken so softly. Her eyes were shimmering and he felt her hand shake in his. "Everyone wants something different from me," she whispered. "I'm supposed to be a marine, a human ambassador, a biotic, a Spectre… I just don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be the prime example of humanity!"

"Love's the most human thing I can think of…Commander." He was sure to use her rank as he squeezed her hand.

He moved to leave but she clung to his arm with both hands and leaned her head on his shoulder. "Stay here until I fall asleep," she said so softly it was nearly a whisper.

Startled at her serious tone, he carefully scooted himself on the bunk until his back was against the wall. He patted the spot next to him. He could tell it was a request, not a command, but he didn't want to take his chances. "Come here then."

She eagerly moved so her head rested on his chest while the rest of her body curled up against him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and tried to make his mind remain innocent despite the fact that he could feel every part of Shepard's curvaceous form against him. She needed him right now; he couldn't afford to screw it up by acting like a selfish pig.

They sat like that for several moments, and just when he thought she was asleep, she lifted her head and pecked his cheek. "Thanks, Joker," she whispered with sleepy lips.

He ached to make those lips swollen with his touches, but decided against it. She was exhausted and deserved rest. "No problem. Night."

"G'night," she mumbled before she plopped her head back down, her reddish hair splaying around her head like a crown. She was definitely the queen of hearts.


	4. An Inspection, Ma’m?

**A/N: Basically this is a random dosage of cute fluffiness. Not very long though. I haven't really been inspired much for this story lately so this is kind of a crappy chapter. Sorry. It's just that I've been trying out another story and drawing a lot. Maybe I should get started on some other fanfics. I have the first chapter of a FemShepxKaiden done already, so maybe I'll post that sometime. I could also get started on my KOTORII fanfic. Idk. I have the feeling I wanted to say something else here… but I can't think of anything, so whatever.**

**Sadly I don't own any of Mass Effect's awesomeness. sobs **

Joking Around

Chapter Four: An Inspection, Ma'm?

It was about three a.m. by the time the Commander stirred again. Joker smiled and stroked her coppery curls. Lily sighed and snuggled closer to her pilot, her hand splayed on his chest. Suddenly, she was fingering the buttons of his shirt and eventually, she was slowly unfastening them.

His heart pounding, Joker watched in silence as she continued all the way to his belt. When she realized there was a white undershirt that prevented her from going any further, she looked up and pouted at him.

He chuckled. "You want it off?" he asked playfully. His chuckles turned to laughter when he saw her nod like a child. "It's a little inconvenient to change," he warned. "The whole snapping of the bones thing makes life a tad bit difficult."

"Is that why you never take showers?" Her eyes danced with teasing.

"Hey, _you're_ the one that slept with me," he laughed. "But you could help me if you want."

Shepard frowned. "With changing or bathing?"

"How about both?"

"You're horrible," she said through girlish giggles that he had never heard from her before. It was startling, to hear his commanding officer laugh like a school girl while nestled in his arms. But it was also wonderful.

"Is that a yes?"

She shook her head and placed it back on his chest. "I'm too cozy to move."

But she didn't completely give up, because he soon felt a cool hand slide under his shirt.

"Y'know what's gonna happen if you insist on touching me, right, Commander?" he asked in a mock serious tone.

"And what would that be Mr. Moroe?" she returned, catching on to his formal act. She looked up at him expectantly.

Her strong fingers began to trace circles on his stomach. He realized that those same fingers often were used to pull the trigger in the field; he wondered why that thought turned him on so much.

He mentally shrugged it off as just one more reason to love Shepard and quickly brought his mouth to hers. His arms were wrapped around her and both her hands were now familiarizing themselves with his body. When he came up for air he had on a smug smile; he had left her breathless with a happy, glazed look. It was as if she was in a dreamworld.

He gently moved some stray hairs out of her beautiful eyes. Suddenly, his wristwatch beeped. He groaned. _Shit… Just a little longer…_ "I have to go check the ship."

Evidently she was thinking the same thing, because she didn't move away. Her body was carefully pinning him to the bed and he didn't mind one bit. _Hell, this is basically a personal fantasy of mine,_ he mused bitterly, acutely aware that it was about to end.

"Aren't we on auto?"

"It still needs to be landed. We're probably close to Noveria now."

Finally, she got up and held out a hand to assist him. "C'mon, I guess we should go. I have to start layering up anyways. It'll be cold down there."

"I better not get my balls frozen," he grumbled before he took her hand, grabbed his crutches and steadied himself.

But she unsteadied him right away when she snaked her hands around his neck and looked up at him seductively through thick lashes. "Let's hope you keep everything down there in tact." She winked at him before adding, "We may have an inspection later."

Joker swallowed hard before quickly recovering with a grin. "Ay, ay, Commander."

She walked out of the room, leaving Joker dumbfounded and ridiculously excited.


End file.
